The last time you heard from me I was applying for jobs and had just been accepted by a company to be trained as a manager.
The last time you heard from me, my boyfriend and I had recently broken up.
The last time you heard from me, I was in a very different place in life.
I've learned something about myself in the ten months I've been away from you, my readers. Who sits on the throne of my heart determines what's important to me and how I live my life.
Shocker, right? I mean, I've heard this in church my entire life, but until it happened in a way where this other King completely consumed my life and he often raised his holy fist and declared things over my life, I didn't really understand what it would mean. What does it really mean for someone or something other than God to sit on the throne of my heart?
I've been there now. I feel like I can actually say that I've walked away from God and my faith and come back. I am the Prodigal daughter. And as heart breaking as that is for those who watched me and myself looking back, I can't escape the beauty of the coming back.
I made something my god. I allowed my job and others to become the rulers of my life and my heart. It's bad when the only things you can relate to anymore have to do with your job. All I could talk about was my job. I stopped going to church, because I was "to tired" to invest in my Community any more. And the further I walked away from my Community, from my friends who keep me straight, and my Jesus who speaks to me every single day, the further I got away from who I am, who God has made me to be, and even further away from what my life should look like with him in it.
I am not of the opinion that EVERYTHING that I've done in my time away from the Lord was sin. But here's the thing, because I was no longer communing with my Jesus, EVERYTHING felt like sin. I felt dirty and unclean (and some of it was dirty and unclean). The Bible says that if you know what is right and you don't do it, then you've sinned (James 4:17). I'm not big on reading the Bible literally, but in my case, over the last ten months, this verse has literally rang true in my life. There have been things that may be right for others, but is not right for me. I did it anyway (because it's not technically a sin! right?! - wrong) and stepped further from Jesus.
I had joined this wonderful Community of believers, and I stopped going. I didn't even stream the services (like I did today - slept through my alarm clock). This Community that I had grown to love and enjoy and appreciate, I stopped joining them. I stopped appreciating them. I found every reason in the world to stop going on Sunday morning and to definitely stop being a part of my life group (because they wouldn't understand, right? - wrong).
Good things things that God had put in my life were slowly starting to fade away and I was completely consumed by my new King. I lost my optimism. I lost my enthusiasm. I lost my desire to write and read. I lost my desire to live graciously and show people the love of Christ. I lost my desire to further know Him who created me. And for a while, I lost my faith.
But then I woke up. I literally woke up one day and realized that I was miserable and far from where I needed to be in Christ. I woke up and slowly started to walk back to Jesus. And gradually, it went from walking, to jogging, to sprinting into the arms of the one who never leaves me. He welcomes His prodigals home with open arms and with great enthusiasm.
So, my dear readers, I'm back and writing. And I hope that if you are a prodigal, that you hear this: He's waiting for you and He loves you.
Until next time!
