Marvelous Light

I lay on the ground.  Like Atlas, the weight of the world keeps me down.

I struggle to get up.  I reach and reach.  I push.  And yet, for all my struggle, my face is pushed to the ground.  My core held in place by the world.  My arms locked by chains.  My ankles held by anchors.

I cry out.  I scream.

"This darkness, this weight is overwhelming!"

The darkness seems to answer my plea.  It taunts.  It claws at my mind, and it streaks my tears.  Darkness slides down my face.

"YHWH! Jehovah! Jesus Christ! Please take this weight from me! Make the darkness go away.  I can't stand it any more! I am drowning in darkness!!"

Realizing that there is nothing more I can do and nothing more to say, I wish my life were over.  My life must end, in order for this darkness and weight to be lifted.

A breeze floats into my darkness.  I wonder where it comes from.  I wonder at its origins.

It smells like the air after it rains. It smells like a breeze coming off the ocean.  It smells like chocolate chip cookies baking.  It smells like the flowers that sit on my window sill....

The darkness does not lift, but no longer do I feel alone.  Someone must be coming. Someone must have broken through the darkness.

I can see something.  Far, far away in the distance.  A speck.  I had forgotten my eyes were even open.  In this darkness, nothing can be truly seen.

It grows a little brighter and a little larger.  The speck is light.  It is so far away, but there it is.

Someone is coming.  Someone has broken my darkness.  I will be rescued.  This weight will not be here forever.  I am no longer surrounded by darkness.

But the darkness is far more cunning than that.  It knows that this light fills me with hope, and so it causes the weight to be heavier and whispers lies into my heart.  It swears that I will never be freed.  It promises that anchors will always be tied to my feet.  It sneers that light is just an illusion.

But the light persists.  It is steady and unwavering.

I stare at it, begging it to come closer, but it doesn't move.

It is steady.  It does not flicker.

As the darkness whispers and scratches at my heart with the barbed wire it has planted in me since I was a child,  the light persists.  My eyes never leave the light, and the light does not go away.

I am reminded that trials cause perseverance and perseverance brings character, and character, hope. So this darkness that beats upon me will bring hope.  It will bring character.  It will bring perseverance.

So I will wait.  I will wait and suffer through the darkness.  I will wait until the light frees me from this darkness and weight, knowing full well that it will probably come back some day.  But the light will always persist.

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God . . . For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he wihthold from those whose walk is blameless." 

Two sides to every coin

"In the U.S., almost one in 10 adults - young and old, men and women - has depression right now."*

Wake-up.  Ask self, "Is it really worth it?"  Deciding a decisive "no," goes back to bed.

Wakes-up again.  Thinks, "I should probably get up."  Starting the day with a sigh.

Reads Bible, prays, gives thanks to the Lord for all he has done. Praise him for his mercies every single morning.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Thank him from the heart - give him the victory that is the day.  Remembering to pause.

Why does this day seem so dreary?  "Part of it must be the weather," she thinks.

"Jesus has saved me. Jesus loves me.  I am loved and cherished.  I am cared for.  I have a roof over my head.  I have food, water, and soap.  I am immensely blessed."

"I feel alone.  I feel unheard, unseen, unnoticed.  I just want some one to notice.  I just want someone to care."

A new voice is heard.  Calm, cool, like a trickling brook on a hot summer day, like the sound of waves on the beach, "If you hear my voice, do not harden your heart against me.  I, and I alone, speak only the truth.  Do not listen to the other voice."

"You are alone.  Nobody cares.  No one has seen your struggle.  They have left you a lone.  They don't notice your absence.  Your presence, your absence - neither are felt." 

"I have knit you together.  I know you from the inside out.  I see you in your hidden places.  I have loved you before your parents even knew you were coming.  I have made plans for you.  You are important to me."

"You aren't important to anyone.  You are not talented.  You are fat.  You are ugly.  You are not smart.  No one will every truly love you."  

"I created you the way you are.  I know your struggle.  I see you. I know - yada - you. I gave my son for you.  I loved you more than life itself.  I have allowed you to show my glory.  You were created in MY image.  You are MINE." 

"He leaves you alone.  He wants you to struggle alone."

"You are never alone, because I am always with you.  You do not depend on others.  You depend on me.  I define you.  I am the center of your identity.  Not your brokenness.  I allow you to be broken, because only when you are broken, only when you are weak, do you actually let me shine through.  Let me break you.  Let me be with you there. Don't try to battle this by yourself."

"But I feel alone.  I don't feel like I'm worth anything.  The other voice.  It's right about so many things.  What if he's right.  What if I'm not missed?"

"Daughter, you must trust me.  It's not about you.  It's about me.  Am I missed when you aren't there?  Besides, daughters of mine are very rarely not missed."

"I feel defeated."

"I know."

"I feel alone."

"I know."

"Are you going to fix me?"

"One day.  Can you wait for me to do it in my own way?"

"Only if you help me."

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

"Father?"

"Yes, daughter?"

"The other voice stopped."

"Yes,  I told him to leave you be for now.  He will come back though." 

"I don't want to listen to him. Don't let him come back."

"You must let me refine you, dear.  Only listen to my voice.  Do not harden your heart to my voice."  

"I'm tired."

"I know."

"Give me rest."

"Of course.  True rest is only found in me, my beautiful daughter."  

"They're going to think I'm crazy."

"If they don't recognize their own brokenness, they've got another thing coming for them anyway.  You only have to care about what I think of you."  

"Okay.  Rest?"

"Rest."

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

*Webmd.com