From whiningly wallowing to worshipful willingness

You know what I hate?  I hate going to church.  No, really.  I hate it. 

Some of you might say: But you're an RA? Or How can you really call yourself a Christian?  Depending on which side of that spectrum you're on. Your questions remain, and I still hate church.  Well, hated it.

I hated that church was this place where people stop fighting in the parking lot, and lie about what they did last night. 

Church was a place where girls who are certainly not a good moral example lead middle school Sunday school -- I mean, we're talking they actively and openly have sex with their boyfriends and engage in underage drinking, and no one is willing to say anything because they need Sunday school teachers. 

Church is a place where people ignore severe emotional abuse and "minor" physical and sexual abuse because "he's such a good man.  He loves his kids!"

In chapel at my school, we started off this semester with Nic Gibson, and he basically called out every reason I hated church. 

Then he called me a coward.  That made me mad.  I'm not a coward, right?  According to him I am.

You see, I don't like airing my vulnerability, sin and imperfection -- oh, and I really don't like calling other people out on all of their. . . stuff.  And according to him, and Pastor Kelly who pointed out to us even more recently, the church is there to sanctify us. Oh, and we're there to sanctify it. 

My willingness to be vulnerable, air sin and imperfections, and my willingness to meet others in those places is actually part of this sanctification process that I thought I was already a part of.  But choosing to not take part in the local church actually hinders this process I need so badly. 

I'm learning something.  Christianity isn't about morality; it's about character. 

The overwhelming love that I accept in Christ should naturally outpour into every relationship, conversation and action that happens.  This should naturally cause us to overwhelmingly love other people. This includes actively being involved in the church.  Not because church is holy, but because I become more holy when I participate in the sanctification process of others.

If, like Christopher Yuan said, the opposite of every sin is holiness, then, in my desire to become more holy, I should be willing to allow some refining to happen.  This involves going to church, and sometimes it's going to be painful.

 

The pain must be worth it though, or so I've been told.  An unashamed, passionate relationship with Jesus Christ is worth the scare of vulnerability with other people.  And wouldn't it be great if Jesus used my own vulnerability, and even *gasp* my sin, to bring others closer to him?

So for all of you out there who are something like me and hate church, allow me to encourage and challenge you.  The church needs us -- the cynical and the hurt. The church needs us like we need it, and we all desperately need Jesus.  If we all need Jesus anyway, can it really be that bad to come together and need him?

Friendship

My friends are the bomb.

Zac - We've been friends since Middle school. 

No seriously. They really are.

Near and far, they have blessed me tremendously.

Leila- My first friend at BC.

So I'm writing this blog post to thank them all.  You know who you are - so accept my gratitude, please, I'm begging you.



"As iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another."

The Bible says that the first Christians ate, served, and loved together.  The lived life in community.  The lived life in love.

Anna- constant source of encouragement, Leila, and Paul

Axel- he's soooo great.

My friends have done this for me.

we are so hot. 

Liv- My sister that I choose

They challenge me.  They love me.  They serve me.  We eat together.  We are tight knit.



You might be asking what has caused my sudden need to shout my gratitude to the world?



I've been having a rough time lately.  And they don't leave me.  I talk about my brokenness and despair like it's some kind of disease, and they tell me they're broken too and I don't run from them - why should they run from me?

Casey- best frenemy ever.  I love you. 

Lia- my mid-western best friend

I am so blessed.

Axel- he makes me laugh every day

These friends are a source of laughter and encouragement to me.  My mentor recently stated, "Krista, you've made these people your family."

ROBSQUAD - best RA team ever.

I am terrified of vulnerability.  My friends provide a safe place for vulnerability to take place.
These people have loved on me in ways that I never could have asked for.

Adam, David, and Sean

The Lord has blessed me.  He has brought these wonderful people to me.

Liv and David

Some of these friends I've known for almost a decade (well, that depends on whether or not you count Tuesday school...).  Or even almost two decades, though just having reconnected.  Some, only since I've been in college.  Regardless of the time, these friends have made me rich.

Paulli and Leila

When I am in a time where Satan is speaking lies of no one caring for me or loving me, the Lord brings these people to my mind.  He reminds me that I cannot trust my feelings.  These people have proven true.

Jessica- She makes me a better person

Abigael - She teaches me. 

Tyler and Casey

Caroline - My life is so much better with her in it. 

My dearest Anna and I

Maddie- Best friend since middle school

These people have seen me broken and have seen me cry.  They have loved me in the midst of ecstatic joy and at the very end of myself.  They have watched me exhaust myself and tried to take care of me.  And they have watched me create problems and then try to fix them.

These people are tremendously good to me.



These friendships range from all the way to China to just across the hall - and I am so so blessed by all of them.

Joshie- my little big brother

Levi and Shay (you can't see her...)

Lindz... I don't have an actual picture of just her... So this is one of her kids she named after me.

Jan!!! 

My lovely sister. :) Best friend of all. 

Thank you for loving me, guys.  Thank you for bearing some of my brokenness and always reminding me to lay it at the feet of Jesus.  Thank you for reminding me of my wholeness.  Thank you for being a source of delight in my life.

Such cool people

Kendra - she's lovely

These ladies seriously rock my world

My friends are broken just like I am.  And they share it with me.  They don't let me wallow in it.  The walk with me, and then allow me to walk with them.

Two sides to every coin

"In the U.S., almost one in 10 adults - young and old, men and women - has depression right now."*

Wake-up.  Ask self, "Is it really worth it?"  Deciding a decisive "no," goes back to bed.

Wakes-up again.  Thinks, "I should probably get up."  Starting the day with a sigh.

Reads Bible, prays, gives thanks to the Lord for all he has done. Praise him for his mercies every single morning.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Thank him from the heart - give him the victory that is the day.  Remembering to pause.

Why does this day seem so dreary?  "Part of it must be the weather," she thinks.

"Jesus has saved me. Jesus loves me.  I am loved and cherished.  I am cared for.  I have a roof over my head.  I have food, water, and soap.  I am immensely blessed."

"I feel alone.  I feel unheard, unseen, unnoticed.  I just want some one to notice.  I just want someone to care."

A new voice is heard.  Calm, cool, like a trickling brook on a hot summer day, like the sound of waves on the beach, "If you hear my voice, do not harden your heart against me.  I, and I alone, speak only the truth.  Do not listen to the other voice."

"You are alone.  Nobody cares.  No one has seen your struggle.  They have left you a lone.  They don't notice your absence.  Your presence, your absence - neither are felt." 

"I have knit you together.  I know you from the inside out.  I see you in your hidden places.  I have loved you before your parents even knew you were coming.  I have made plans for you.  You are important to me."

"You aren't important to anyone.  You are not talented.  You are fat.  You are ugly.  You are not smart.  No one will every truly love you."  

"I created you the way you are.  I know your struggle.  I see you. I know - yada - you. I gave my son for you.  I loved you more than life itself.  I have allowed you to show my glory.  You were created in MY image.  You are MINE." 

"He leaves you alone.  He wants you to struggle alone."

"You are never alone, because I am always with you.  You do not depend on others.  You depend on me.  I define you.  I am the center of your identity.  Not your brokenness.  I allow you to be broken, because only when you are broken, only when you are weak, do you actually let me shine through.  Let me break you.  Let me be with you there. Don't try to battle this by yourself."

"But I feel alone.  I don't feel like I'm worth anything.  The other voice.  It's right about so many things.  What if he's right.  What if I'm not missed?"

"Daughter, you must trust me.  It's not about you.  It's about me.  Am I missed when you aren't there?  Besides, daughters of mine are very rarely not missed."

"I feel defeated."

"I know."

"I feel alone."

"I know."

"Are you going to fix me?"

"One day.  Can you wait for me to do it in my own way?"

"Only if you help me."

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

"Father?"

"Yes, daughter?"

"The other voice stopped."

"Yes,  I told him to leave you be for now.  He will come back though." 

"I don't want to listen to him. Don't let him come back."

"You must let me refine you, dear.  Only listen to my voice.  Do not harden your heart to my voice."  

"I'm tired."

"I know."

"Give me rest."

"Of course.  True rest is only found in me, my beautiful daughter."  

"They're going to think I'm crazy."

"If they don't recognize their own brokenness, they've got another thing coming for them anyway.  You only have to care about what I think of you."  

"Okay.  Rest?"

"Rest."

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

*Webmd.com

My Second Favorite Holiday

Valentine's Day is almost here!!! I am SO excited.

Unlike most of the single people I know, I absolutely LOVE Valentine's Day.  It is my second favorite holiday.

I haven't always thought this way.  In fact, in high school, even when I had a boyfriend, I hated Valentine's Day.  Then, one year, the LORD used my friend Jeorgi to open my eyes to a world of new possibilities.

(You can get to know her here: http://jeorgimages.com/ and here: http://jeorgismith.blogspot.com/ )

I was complaining to her about all the nastiness that happens on Valentine's Day.  Kissing, gooey talking, googly eyes - gross.  She just kind of sighed and smiled.  She said, "Ah, but Krista, you're missing the whole point."

"What point?" I asked. She responded by giving me a hug.  "That's what it's about."

"Okay..."

"Krista, this is the one day a year that we can love extravagantly and no one thinks anything about it.  We get to show the love of Jesus openly and honestly on this day.  We have an excuse to go crazy in love with all the people that we know."

As I began to think about this, I realized she was right.  How often do I forget to stop and just love on the people who bless me?  How often do I forget to thank them for loving me and caring for me, even when I'm going crazy or am a complete mess (which is always)?

So I love Valentine's Day. If you see me, I will probably be wearing red or pink... or both.  And I will be glowing. Glowing because I am basking in the love of my Savior and pouring it out to the people that matter most to me.

Whether you like Valentine's Day or not, take some time to love on people this week.  A lot of people will be grumpy and bitter - show them a little love!

Happy Valentine's Day!

To All the Single Ladies and Coupley Ladies Alike

Here is a wonderful post by Ann Voskamp.  Jesus regularly uses her to rock my world.  I have gathered some much needed encouragement from her post.

Men who are interested - please keep what she has to say in mind. Respect it. Heed it.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/02/why-you-really-matter-an-anthem-for-women/

Virginity, Sexuality, and Growing-up in the Church

I wear this ring on my "wedding ring" finger symbolizing that I have promised to "save" myself for marriage.  I got it when I turned 15, and I love this ring.  It never leaves my finger. It is beautiful.  My Daddy picked it out.

Now, aside from the fact that this ring is beautiful, it truly means a lot to me. The symbolism alone makes my heart beat just a little bit harder.  The largest stone is this purplish blue color - symbolizing my royalty as a Child of the King of Kings.  The diamonds signify to me that I am valuable in the sight of my Creator as well as in the sight of my earthly father.  The circular band signifies that Christ's love has no end.  This beautiful ring that my Dad picked out reminds me that both he and the Lord view me as far more beautiful than this ring.  This ring is only a symbol.  I seriously love this ring.

 In a world where sex is the norm, this ring reminds me that I've promised myself to someone... somewhere... sometime... in the future, which is currently a cause for pause. When I made this promise at 15, I thought I would be engaged by now.  I thought that this ring would be replaced by some other ring that the love of my life had placed on that finger. I mean, I am a Senior in College - a college where they preached that 62% of us would find our spouses here, only to have that percentage fall since then.

So here I am. 21 years old and pure as the driven snow, well, sort of. I laugh at the memories of my high school boyfriend telling me he couldn't kiss me because Jesus had to be "in our kisses" - whatever that means. Then when he tried to kiss me, I realized he was only doing it to make me happy - sweet, but not ideal - I think I'll pass.

My co-workers talk pityingly about how naive I am, and I try to pretend like that doesn't annoy the heck out of me. Let's just say, I'm feeling a little angsty.  I've been taught my whole life that sex is this beautiful thing that should be shared between husband and wife, and it wasn't until college that I heard it could be fun, relaxing - it even helps you sleep? (weird.)

Up until now, I've been terrified.  Let's be real.  Getting naked in front of somebody... just doesn't sound super great.  Just like every other girl on the planet, I'm interested in the intimacy and the pleasure that supposedly comes with it.  Nobody has ever taught me what to do with that though.  We don't talk about it in church, because we're just supposed to "say no."

Newsflash: You can't tell a young adult to "just say no."  It doesn't work that way anymore. I'm getting to the point where I can think for myself and make my own decisions, so there's got to be a better reason than "just say no.  trust me honey."

I'm about to enter into the "real world" - another phrase that annoys me (stay tuned for that blog post) - and in that "real world" is sex. So how do I deal with my growing comfort with my sexuality and discomfort with my virginity?

Right now, in my safe little bubble at college, it is enough to say that I know that the Lord has a better plan for my life and I trust him enough to not do anything stupid. What I want to know is this: Why do we shame people in the church for having sex out side of marriage when there is supposed to be repentance and grace offered at the feet of Jesus?  Why do we put virgins on a pedestal expecting them to "just say no" and then flip a switch as soon as they get married?

Let me give you another dose of honesty:  There isn't a switch.  I'm not going to be able to go from not doing anything to giving everything on my wedding day.  I don't plan on this, but it seems like this is the expectation sometimes.  I need a little room to breathe with my hypothetical boyfriend/fiance/husband please! Oh! And what if I mess up?  Am I suddenly ruined for all eternity?  Is the sky going to fall?  Am I going to be struck with lightning?

I know I'm sounding a little dramatic.  I'm simply asking for some conversation.  Come on Church.  Help-a-sista out.

Shouldn't we give our daughters purity rings as a reminder that their bodies are temples and deserved to be treated as such?  If that's the case, along with teaching them that they should wait to have sex until they get married, they should also be taught that this is not because they should be ashamed of their bodies or their sexuality.  In fact, waiting is a way of honoring both of those things.

So I wear this ring.  Some days, my purity ring feels heavy on my finger. Some days, I simply love that it sparkles in the sunlight.  Here's the thing though: I don't feel as if I've been taught how to deal with sexuality.  I know for a fact that my parents did not give it to me to suppress my sexuality until I get married.  However, this ring does not make me better than anyone else.  And sometimes it makes me a little conflicted.

Just as some encouragement to all of you like me: My conflict, my struggle, does not make me better or worse as a Christian.  It doesn't mean that I'm giving into my lust.  It means that like every single  person, human, I struggle with my sexuality.  It's not my identity; my sexual actions do not define who I am; oh, and not every sexual action is "sexual." (Last time I checked, flirting does not imply that sex is ultimately desired... That's like a whole different story... Maybe for some other day.)

We are sexual beings because God created us to be that way.  I think that this means we should celebrate and explore that.  There must be a healthy way to do it, within  the bounds that the Bible seems to sketch out for us. I'm asking for some conversation.  Anyone with me?