Patience and all those damned closed doors

Pardon my French, but really.... Have any of you been applying for jobs lately? If you have, then you feel my pain. I have applied for more than 50 jobs in the last couple of months, and I have been told "no" or ignored more than I ever thought I would.

I was talking to Jesus right after I got back from Ireland, and I told him, "Lord, I want you to slam every single door in my face that you don't want me to walk through." Pretty shortly after, I ended up breaking-up with my boyfriend, and was told to stop calling from one of the places I had been applying.

I've dealt with some pain in the last two months since I've been back. It hasn't been easy. It's hard to break the habit of texting your boyfriend every day. And it's hard to have yet another place tell you that they aren't interested in hiring you or that you don't have enough "experience" to fill the position.

I've wanted to scream at myself, "Krista! It shouldn't be this hard to stop talking to him! You work every single day. It's not like you were talking very often anyway!" And then I went to yell at all of those employers, "Um, excuse me. I can't get experience unless someone agrees to train me." I told one law office, "Here's the deal, I'm not intimidated by my lack of experience because I'm an enthusiastic and eager learner. I'm also a quick learner. So if you'll agree to train me, I will learn quickly and you won't regret it."

They didn't call me back.

I haven't applied anywhere in a while, and I don't miss him anymore; things are getting better. But it turns out that rejection and separation hurt. Growing-up hurts. I think it's just as painful for my family as it is for me. My mom is freaking out because all of her babies are going to be leaving very soon. Dad just keeps giving speeches about responsibility. It's hard for all of us.

All those damned closed doors. I mean really. I wasn't intending on applying to every single place I could think of when I started the job hunt, but when they weren't calling back, and I was basically stalking them, what else am I supposed to think?

But then this thing happened. I actually got the job that I wanted initially. Ha! Try that one on for size. It's been blowing my mind for the last several days. The job that I actually waned took the longest to apply, prepare, and hear back... But I got it.

Here's the crazy thing about that: I wouldn't have even applied if I had still been dating my boyfriend. I wouldn't have even looked at it if I had moved out immediately upon coming home - which I thought about a couple of times. (Damn closed door. I'm still living at home.) I wouldn't have realized how much I love my job or how much I value the people that I work with which turns out is going to be really important, if I had decided not to go back and work somewhere else.

I wouldn't have been enthusiastic about this job that I now have if I hadn't been turned down from other places - if I hadn't been forced to have a positive attitude about the bed that I was choosing to make and lie in. The extra time actually gave me time to value the company that I'm going to be working for. It gave me time to get to know my managers, who are invaluable to my learning experience there. (I mean really, my managers are the bomb-diggity.) All of those damned closed doors have made me exceedingly enthusiastic about working for a company that I respect and appreciate.

Maybe those closed doors aren't damned at all..... maybe their blessed....

Gratitude can do a lot to our perspective on life... I'm really grateful for parents who love me enough to freak out over the fact that I'm growing-up. I'm grateful that they want to give me speeches about financially responsibility and time - even though it really annoys me most of the time.  I'm grateful that after ever interview or phone call with a company my dad has reminded me, "Who's your Daddy?" Not referring to himself, but referring to my Heavenly Father who knows best for me in all situations. I'm grateful that I've had the time to do Management Relief which has given me the time to get to know employees in other departments and get a glimpse at what I'm going to be doing in a couple of months. I'm grateful for the time that I've had to make friends in Nashville.... Cause I really thought I was gonna have to move to another state just so I could have friends....

Yeah... Blessed closed doors... not damned closed doors. I like that. I guess I just needed the patience to see that closed doors aren't the end of the world. They just guide me to the door where I can knock and enter in...

Community

One of my best friends in this world is a Pastor's daughter. When I came to college, I hated church. Before we really became friends, I watched her very closely, because I had this idea of what pastor's daughters were like (and it wasn't good). I thought she was gonna randomly change and go evil or something. Nope, she's been one of the most consistent people in my life. She has consistently been there for me. And has consistently been an example of the benefit of being a member of a body of believers, part of a Christian community.

In earlier days, she would smile sadly at me as I would make sarcastic and bitter comments about church and church people. She would tell me that there are always those churches out there, but one day she hoped that I would find a church that was good for me. And in those moments, I would realize that I had given up on church. I didn't need it.

Much has changed since then. Liv and I are still best friends, but we live far away from each other. She has encouraged all of our friends, most of whom had similar bad experiences like myself, to keep trying.

When I talk to her on the phone now, she has a long list of stories about all the things she's doing with her church, and I can tell that she still loves it. And I love her for it.

Today, I can proudly say that her hope and enthusiasm for church has actually rubbed off on me. This morning, I slept though my alarm clock and realized I would miss Sunday School class, which made me really upset... And I don't even have a consistent Sunday school class yet.

This Summer I got to see what it's like to be really involved in a church. And I loved it.

Then I came back. I was really worried that I wasn't going to find a church, but I started researching them online. So, jet lagged and hopeful I ended up at Community Church in Hendersonville.

This morning marked the 7th Sunday that I have attended this church. And as I sat with my very new acquaintances, who are actually my age, I couldn't help but think that I've finally found my church home.

Even if I don't become good friends with these acquaintances, I'm officially at the point where I'm meeting people. I'm starting to know people's names. I'm starting to notice things about them. I'm becoming part of this community.... And I'm really excited about it.

Last week I even went to church on Wednesday night. When the schedule came out on Friday, and I realized I could go to church again on Wednesday night, I actually squealed for joy and smiled like an idiot.

We have this theme this year at church called "Radically Changed." We are reading through the Bible... Last night I read 17 of some of the most depressing chapters in the Bible with an unnerving sense of enthusiasm. God bless Ezekiel... And even crazier, it makes me excited to be reading through the Bible with a group of people who are all doing the same thing.

But other than reading the Bible enthusiastically and craving it, the Lord has graciously allowed me to become part of this church's story. I'm becoming radically changed in the fact that I'm actually excited to be a member of a church. And while I'm not officially a member of this church, in my heart I have joined this community whole heartedly.

So thanks Liv for all your prayers and hope and your consistent example to me over the past four years. And to every one else that is looking for a good church, keep looking. God is going to bring you to the right place eventually, and enjoy the process of getting there. God is teaching you something in the journey. Take a moment to listen.

Ordinary

The most extraordinary thing in the world is an ordinary man and an ordinary woman and their ordinary children. - G.K. Chesterton

I've been stuck on this idea of the ordinary for the last couple of months.

I went to Ireland, and it was great. But so much of my time spent there was very ordinary. I worked in an office from 8-5 every single day. I made dinner with my friends, watched movies, went for walks with my friends, had a birthday party, slept in a bed every single night. My life there seemed so ordinary.

But it definitely wasn't. I spent three months with people who have dropped everything to move to a completely foreign culture in order to empower the Church in that culture. I had no family in this culture, but many of the families "adopted" me as their own - treated me as a big sister, daughter. For a lot of them, English was not their first language.

There were castles EVERYWHERE. And I'm not being sarcastic. I ALMOST got used to seeing them, that's how many there were. You could see them off the motorway (Interstate), on small roads, next to churches, next to cottages, in the city centre, everywhere. But they never ceased to amaze me, even though I saw them in so many places.

 

The castle you see above is Roscommon Castle. It was my favorite. On top of all of the castles being ridiculously awesome and totally not normal, the flowers were ridiculous to. There are flowers all over the place in Ireland. Roses and roses and roses and roses.... and then all kinds of other flowers too! (Obviously, I need to learn what flowers they actually are. ha ha.)

The crazy thing about all of this was that it is completely normal for all the people that live in Ireland. The Irish are really great about taking a moment to stop and appreciate what's around them, and they will quickly tell you what is awesome about their country. But all of the beauty is normal to them.

I went to Italy after Ireland and there is a completely different sense of pride there. They know that their country is beautiful in its own way, and they very willingly tell you all about it.

These places are so beautiful, and so ordinary to the people that live there... So my definition of the ordinary is being changed. It's making my view of my job different. So instead of thinking that it doesn't matter how I bag someone's groceries or talk to a customer matters, I remember that it does matter, because the ordinary is actually extraordinary.

God doesn't just call us to glorify him in the big things, in the great. In stead he call us to glorify him in everything that we do. So I should glorify him in everything, whether I'm walking through the streets of Galway and Venice or cleaning the kitchen for my family.

I work at Kroger...

Upon seeing my title, I'm sure your response was, "It's okay! You'll find something worthwhile to do with your life!"

That's normally the response I get anyway.

Here's the funny thing about where I work: I love it.

I love my job. I love that I'm basically always doing something - I hate the days when we're slow. I love that I get to interact with different people and the same people every single day. I love the look my customers give me when I remember what they made for dinner last week and I ask how it turned out. I love my co-workers. I love my managers. My Kroger family is awesome all the way from the customers to management.

The other day I had a customer say, "Sweetie, you're a good person. I've watched you in here before and you're just a good person. You need to be a guidance counsellor or something. Not a Floor Supervisor at Kroger."

I got to thinking about it, and while the compliment was taken with a smile and a blush (cause I can't seem to help it), she missed something very important. I get to be an unofficial guidance counsellor. I get to be a listening ear. I get to be a chef, janitor, office admin., teacher, military commander, shoulder to cry on, and a source of laughter and encouragement - and sometimes even more than that depending on the day.

I play 10 different roles on any given day, and I love it. I love that I get to use everything that I'm good at in what I do. I love that Kroger is moving towards values that I believe in. I love that part of my job as a Floor Supervisor is to make sure employees are taken care of. I love that random people feel like they can tell me their entire life story, just because I work behind Customer Service.

I really like my job.

I've had a bunch of people tell me that I can "do so much better!" And there are days when I agree with them. There are days when I hate my customers, my co-workers, and every single product and sale that we have going on. But at the end of the day, I remember how lucky I am to even have a job, and I'm brought back to why I love it.

As for being able to do better, maybe. I have dreams of moving up in the company. I have dreams of making a difference in people's lives in the day-to-day activity of grocery shopping. So as for right now, better doesn't really seem like it's that big of a deal. 

If you're a praying person, you can pray that I continue to be receptive to what the Lord might be leading me in. Pray that the Lord continues to give me a spirit of confidence and hope in my work.

If you're not a praying person, please join in hoping with me. I hope that when people shop at my store, they leave with a smile on their face, or at the very least their day hasn't gotten worse. I hope that my regular customers get to know our employees so they feel at home in our store. I hope that I continue to be happy there, and if I'm not at any one point, I hope I find another job.

I'm not really sure why I felt the need to write this... I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I think I just needed to write it down. If you read through all of my nauseating optimism, thank you. My post before this one is on how I apparently needed a perspective change on couponing. It's not nearly as nauseatingly optimistic. Ha ha.

Anyways, thanks for reading, y'all! You're the best!

Let's talk about couponing...

It's been a while since you guys have heard from me... Well, some of you anyway. Others of you received my blog updates and newsletters this Summer while I was in Ireland.

Let me catch those of you who care up: I'm back working at Kroger and loving it. I'm also applying for full-time jobs because they won't make me full-time. *sigh* I'm hoping I get to go into management within Kroger, but we'll see. They would have to hire me for that dream to be fulfilled, which hasn't happened. They have graciously given me an interview, though. Fingers crossed and prayers on the rest. :)

On the note of grocery stores, let's take a minute to talk about couponing.

Coupons are basically a cashier's nightmare. Most of them don't ring up, and customers get very angry when you tell them that they got the wrong thing or they realize the noise is going off that lets the cashier know that something is wrong with the coupon. Even when the cashier intends on giving the customer the coupon, I've seen customers scream at their cashier for the coupon not coming off immediately upon its scannage (yes,  I did just make that word up).

Personally, I don't have anything against coupons except when the customer is really defensive and angry, or just doesn't follow our coupon policy.

This is what I've noticed: These women basically put their identity into these coupons. They refuse to get the items that the coupons don't ring up on, and they will dehumanize anyone who stands in the way of them getting the coupon.

But then there is always that one that graces us with their point of view. This actually doesn't happen very often. They normally just yell until they get what they want or stomp out of our store swearing to never come back.

The lady that talked to me tonight was not a born-and-raised American, but she was obviously an American citizen. She used WIC coupons for some of her order and then paid for the rest normally. This is what stuck out to me with her.

This woman initially tells me that she's almost stopped going to Kroger because every time she comes in our store she has a bad experience. As someone who makes it their goal to make sure customers never say that, I was a little hurt. However, she pretty obviously just needed someone to listen to her, so I sat there and listened.

She listed off all the men and women who have been rude to her whenever she has used coupons, giving me many vivid examples of this person or the other. She explained very clearly how it made her feel. She even used to words "discrimination" and "dehumanizing." She is near tears just telling me about it. She says that she comes to our store late at night, just to avoid these particular people because she know they won't be there.

At first I thought she was just being dramatic, as most of these woman are. But then she started to give me solutions. She said, "I've been thinking about this, and I think that if you guys just did a couple of things special for the couponers, everybody would be happy."

This woman is not trying to make my life, as a Floor Supervisor/ Customer Service Rep., miserable. She is not trying to hold up our lines. She is not trying to make other customers angry. This woman just wants to be smart with her money. She said, "I follow what the wording on the coupon says exactly, and if I missed something, I happily take the coupon back. But I shouldn't be harassed just because I'm using coupons."

Before she walked away, she stopped and thanked me for listening to her, and she actually left with a smile on her face. This woman was one of two or three in the last month of have given me enough of their time to explain why they do what they do, and how they think they can make it easier on us and themselves. Their attitudes have inspired me.

I really like my customers. Most of them try to recognize me and get to know me, and I try to get to know them. I even try really hard to memorize their birthdays and the cigarettes they like to get... Sometimes it's the little things, ya know?

Anyways, I've always had a hard time liking the couponers, mostly because they're never interested in getting to know my cashiers. They only care about their coupons. Then, with these couple of women, I have been doing exactly what the woman tonight said other people had been doing to her in my store. I have been discriminating against people who coupon.

As she so astutely put it, "I'm just trying to save some money and follow the rules. The least you could do is have a cashier who isn't going to harass me about it. I should get the same customer service as every other customer."

She's right.

We kind of do that same sort of thing in all areas of life though, right? For example:  All people are sinners, but murderers are the really awful sinners.

I'm in this process of growing up.... And while in this process, I'm realizing that not everything is that cut and dry. We're all deserving of love and grace because Christ extends love and grace to all of us regardless of whether we are couponers, alcoholics, homosexuals, control freaks, worriers, etc. You get my drift, right?

It's all the same in Christ's eyes. So if I'm trying to be like Christ, if I'm trying to let him live and love through me, shouldn't I be viewing all of these people the same way.

Shouldn't I see all customers as deserving of love and respect, even in something as menial as checking out their groceries?

Shouldn't all people be shown love and respect no matter how big the sins are in their lives?

I'm not saying I want to go and hug murderers (yeah... no), but those people who go and do jail ministry are gonna have a whole set a crowns just for them some day because they choose to look beyond the outward sins of the people and jail and say, "Hey, you can change and you can be better because Christ loves you. And even if you don't want to change, let me get to know you and remind you of your humanity while you're stuck in here."

I'm willing to bet that woman will come back again, and she'll probably ask for me. She's just asking for someone to show her a little bit of respect. She just wants someone to acknowledge the fact that she is working very hard to save money for her family. She wants someone to acknowledge her humanity and hard work.

A word of advice to all of you couponers out there: Be nice to your cashiers. Sometimes coupon policies are confusing. Also, it's not worth getting upset over fifty cents.

To all you cashiers out there: Remember that couponers are people too.

And to all of you sinners out there, like myself: Praise the good Lord because he doesn't need reminders to treat us with grace love and mercy. In fact, he pours it out freely. *happy sigh*

And with that, I wish you all good night!

Marvelous Light

I lay on the ground.  Like Atlas, the weight of the world keeps me down.

I struggle to get up.  I reach and reach.  I push.  And yet, for all my struggle, my face is pushed to the ground.  My core held in place by the world.  My arms locked by chains.  My ankles held by anchors.

I cry out.  I scream.

"This darkness, this weight is overwhelming!"

The darkness seems to answer my plea.  It taunts.  It claws at my mind, and it streaks my tears.  Darkness slides down my face.

"YHWH! Jehovah! Jesus Christ! Please take this weight from me! Make the darkness go away.  I can't stand it any more! I am drowning in darkness!!"

Realizing that there is nothing more I can do and nothing more to say, I wish my life were over.  My life must end, in order for this darkness and weight to be lifted.

A breeze floats into my darkness.  I wonder where it comes from.  I wonder at its origins.

It smells like the air after it rains. It smells like a breeze coming off the ocean.  It smells like chocolate chip cookies baking.  It smells like the flowers that sit on my window sill....

The darkness does not lift, but no longer do I feel alone.  Someone must be coming. Someone must have broken through the darkness.

I can see something.  Far, far away in the distance.  A speck.  I had forgotten my eyes were even open.  In this darkness, nothing can be truly seen.

It grows a little brighter and a little larger.  The speck is light.  It is so far away, but there it is.

Someone is coming.  Someone has broken my darkness.  I will be rescued.  This weight will not be here forever.  I am no longer surrounded by darkness.

But the darkness is far more cunning than that.  It knows that this light fills me with hope, and so it causes the weight to be heavier and whispers lies into my heart.  It swears that I will never be freed.  It promises that anchors will always be tied to my feet.  It sneers that light is just an illusion.

But the light persists.  It is steady and unwavering.

I stare at it, begging it to come closer, but it doesn't move.

It is steady.  It does not flicker.

As the darkness whispers and scratches at my heart with the barbed wire it has planted in me since I was a child,  the light persists.  My eyes never leave the light, and the light does not go away.

I am reminded that trials cause perseverance and perseverance brings character, and character, hope. So this darkness that beats upon me will bring hope.  It will bring character.  It will bring perseverance.

So I will wait.  I will wait and suffer through the darkness.  I will wait until the light frees me from this darkness and weight, knowing full well that it will probably come back some day.  But the light will always persist.

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God . . . For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he wihthold from those whose walk is blameless." 

From whiningly wallowing to worshipful willingness

You know what I hate?  I hate going to church.  No, really.  I hate it. 

Some of you might say: But you're an RA? Or How can you really call yourself a Christian?  Depending on which side of that spectrum you're on. Your questions remain, and I still hate church.  Well, hated it.

I hated that church was this place where people stop fighting in the parking lot, and lie about what they did last night. 

Church was a place where girls who are certainly not a good moral example lead middle school Sunday school -- I mean, we're talking they actively and openly have sex with their boyfriends and engage in underage drinking, and no one is willing to say anything because they need Sunday school teachers. 

Church is a place where people ignore severe emotional abuse and "minor" physical and sexual abuse because "he's such a good man.  He loves his kids!"

In chapel at my school, we started off this semester with Nic Gibson, and he basically called out every reason I hated church. 

Then he called me a coward.  That made me mad.  I'm not a coward, right?  According to him I am.

You see, I don't like airing my vulnerability, sin and imperfection -- oh, and I really don't like calling other people out on all of their. . . stuff.  And according to him, and Pastor Kelly who pointed out to us even more recently, the church is there to sanctify us. Oh, and we're there to sanctify it. 

My willingness to be vulnerable, air sin and imperfections, and my willingness to meet others in those places is actually part of this sanctification process that I thought I was already a part of.  But choosing to not take part in the local church actually hinders this process I need so badly. 

I'm learning something.  Christianity isn't about morality; it's about character. 

The overwhelming love that I accept in Christ should naturally outpour into every relationship, conversation and action that happens.  This should naturally cause us to overwhelmingly love other people. This includes actively being involved in the church.  Not because church is holy, but because I become more holy when I participate in the sanctification process of others.

If, like Christopher Yuan said, the opposite of every sin is holiness, then, in my desire to become more holy, I should be willing to allow some refining to happen.  This involves going to church, and sometimes it's going to be painful.

 

The pain must be worth it though, or so I've been told.  An unashamed, passionate relationship with Jesus Christ is worth the scare of vulnerability with other people.  And wouldn't it be great if Jesus used my own vulnerability, and even *gasp* my sin, to bring others closer to him?

So for all of you out there who are something like me and hate church, allow me to encourage and challenge you.  The church needs us -- the cynical and the hurt. The church needs us like we need it, and we all desperately need Jesus.  If we all need Jesus anyway, can it really be that bad to come together and need him?

Friendship

My friends are the bomb.

Zac - We've been friends since Middle school. 

No seriously. They really are.

Near and far, they have blessed me tremendously.

Leila- My first friend at BC.

So I'm writing this blog post to thank them all.  You know who you are - so accept my gratitude, please, I'm begging you.



"As iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another."

The Bible says that the first Christians ate, served, and loved together.  The lived life in community.  The lived life in love.

Anna- constant source of encouragement, Leila, and Paul

Axel- he's soooo great.

My friends have done this for me.

we are so hot. 

Liv- My sister that I choose

They challenge me.  They love me.  They serve me.  We eat together.  We are tight knit.



You might be asking what has caused my sudden need to shout my gratitude to the world?



I've been having a rough time lately.  And they don't leave me.  I talk about my brokenness and despair like it's some kind of disease, and they tell me they're broken too and I don't run from them - why should they run from me?

Casey- best frenemy ever.  I love you. 

Lia- my mid-western best friend

I am so blessed.

Axel- he makes me laugh every day

These friends are a source of laughter and encouragement to me.  My mentor recently stated, "Krista, you've made these people your family."

ROBSQUAD - best RA team ever.

I am terrified of vulnerability.  My friends provide a safe place for vulnerability to take place.
These people have loved on me in ways that I never could have asked for.

Adam, David, and Sean

The Lord has blessed me.  He has brought these wonderful people to me.

Liv and David

Some of these friends I've known for almost a decade (well, that depends on whether or not you count Tuesday school...).  Or even almost two decades, though just having reconnected.  Some, only since I've been in college.  Regardless of the time, these friends have made me rich.

Paulli and Leila

When I am in a time where Satan is speaking lies of no one caring for me or loving me, the Lord brings these people to my mind.  He reminds me that I cannot trust my feelings.  These people have proven true.

Jessica- She makes me a better person

Abigael - She teaches me. 

Tyler and Casey

Caroline - My life is so much better with her in it. 

My dearest Anna and I

Maddie- Best friend since middle school

These people have seen me broken and have seen me cry.  They have loved me in the midst of ecstatic joy and at the very end of myself.  They have watched me exhaust myself and tried to take care of me.  And they have watched me create problems and then try to fix them.

These people are tremendously good to me.



These friendships range from all the way to China to just across the hall - and I am so so blessed by all of them.

Joshie- my little big brother

Levi and Shay (you can't see her...)

Lindz... I don't have an actual picture of just her... So this is one of her kids she named after me.

Jan!!! 

My lovely sister. :) Best friend of all. 

Thank you for loving me, guys.  Thank you for bearing some of my brokenness and always reminding me to lay it at the feet of Jesus.  Thank you for reminding me of my wholeness.  Thank you for being a source of delight in my life.

Such cool people

Kendra - she's lovely

These ladies seriously rock my world

My friends are broken just like I am.  And they share it with me.  They don't let me wallow in it.  The walk with me, and then allow me to walk with them.

Two sides to every coin

"In the U.S., almost one in 10 adults - young and old, men and women - has depression right now."*

Wake-up.  Ask self, "Is it really worth it?"  Deciding a decisive "no," goes back to bed.

Wakes-up again.  Thinks, "I should probably get up."  Starting the day with a sigh.

Reads Bible, prays, gives thanks to the Lord for all he has done. Praise him for his mercies every single morning.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Thank him from the heart - give him the victory that is the day.  Remembering to pause.

Why does this day seem so dreary?  "Part of it must be the weather," she thinks.

"Jesus has saved me. Jesus loves me.  I am loved and cherished.  I am cared for.  I have a roof over my head.  I have food, water, and soap.  I am immensely blessed."

"I feel alone.  I feel unheard, unseen, unnoticed.  I just want some one to notice.  I just want someone to care."

A new voice is heard.  Calm, cool, like a trickling brook on a hot summer day, like the sound of waves on the beach, "If you hear my voice, do not harden your heart against me.  I, and I alone, speak only the truth.  Do not listen to the other voice."

"You are alone.  Nobody cares.  No one has seen your struggle.  They have left you a lone.  They don't notice your absence.  Your presence, your absence - neither are felt." 

"I have knit you together.  I know you from the inside out.  I see you in your hidden places.  I have loved you before your parents even knew you were coming.  I have made plans for you.  You are important to me."

"You aren't important to anyone.  You are not talented.  You are fat.  You are ugly.  You are not smart.  No one will every truly love you."  

"I created you the way you are.  I know your struggle.  I see you. I know - yada - you. I gave my son for you.  I loved you more than life itself.  I have allowed you to show my glory.  You were created in MY image.  You are MINE." 

"He leaves you alone.  He wants you to struggle alone."

"You are never alone, because I am always with you.  You do not depend on others.  You depend on me.  I define you.  I am the center of your identity.  Not your brokenness.  I allow you to be broken, because only when you are broken, only when you are weak, do you actually let me shine through.  Let me break you.  Let me be with you there. Don't try to battle this by yourself."

"But I feel alone.  I don't feel like I'm worth anything.  The other voice.  It's right about so many things.  What if he's right.  What if I'm not missed?"

"Daughter, you must trust me.  It's not about you.  It's about me.  Am I missed when you aren't there?  Besides, daughters of mine are very rarely not missed."

"I feel defeated."

"I know."

"I feel alone."

"I know."

"Are you going to fix me?"

"One day.  Can you wait for me to do it in my own way?"

"Only if you help me."

"I will never leave you nor forsake you."

"Father?"

"Yes, daughter?"

"The other voice stopped."

"Yes,  I told him to leave you be for now.  He will come back though." 

"I don't want to listen to him. Don't let him come back."

"You must let me refine you, dear.  Only listen to my voice.  Do not harden your heart to my voice."  

"I'm tired."

"I know."

"Give me rest."

"Of course.  True rest is only found in me, my beautiful daughter."  

"They're going to think I'm crazy."

"If they don't recognize their own brokenness, they've got another thing coming for them anyway.  You only have to care about what I think of you."  

"Okay.  Rest?"

"Rest."

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

*Webmd.com

My Second Favorite Holiday

Valentine's Day is almost here!!! I am SO excited.

Unlike most of the single people I know, I absolutely LOVE Valentine's Day.  It is my second favorite holiday.

I haven't always thought this way.  In fact, in high school, even when I had a boyfriend, I hated Valentine's Day.  Then, one year, the LORD used my friend Jeorgi to open my eyes to a world of new possibilities.

(You can get to know her here: http://jeorgimages.com/ and here: http://jeorgismith.blogspot.com/ )

I was complaining to her about all the nastiness that happens on Valentine's Day.  Kissing, gooey talking, googly eyes - gross.  She just kind of sighed and smiled.  She said, "Ah, but Krista, you're missing the whole point."

"What point?" I asked. She responded by giving me a hug.  "That's what it's about."

"Okay..."

"Krista, this is the one day a year that we can love extravagantly and no one thinks anything about it.  We get to show the love of Jesus openly and honestly on this day.  We have an excuse to go crazy in love with all the people that we know."

As I began to think about this, I realized she was right.  How often do I forget to stop and just love on the people who bless me?  How often do I forget to thank them for loving me and caring for me, even when I'm going crazy or am a complete mess (which is always)?

So I love Valentine's Day. If you see me, I will probably be wearing red or pink... or both.  And I will be glowing. Glowing because I am basking in the love of my Savior and pouring it out to the people that matter most to me.

Whether you like Valentine's Day or not, take some time to love on people this week.  A lot of people will be grumpy and bitter - show them a little love!

Happy Valentine's Day!

To All the Single Ladies and Coupley Ladies Alike

Here is a wonderful post by Ann Voskamp.  Jesus regularly uses her to rock my world.  I have gathered some much needed encouragement from her post.

Men who are interested - please keep what she has to say in mind. Respect it. Heed it.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/02/why-you-really-matter-an-anthem-for-women/

Virginity, Sexuality, and Growing-up in the Church

I wear this ring on my "wedding ring" finger symbolizing that I have promised to "save" myself for marriage.  I got it when I turned 15, and I love this ring.  It never leaves my finger. It is beautiful.  My Daddy picked it out.

Now, aside from the fact that this ring is beautiful, it truly means a lot to me. The symbolism alone makes my heart beat just a little bit harder.  The largest stone is this purplish blue color - symbolizing my royalty as a Child of the King of Kings.  The diamonds signify to me that I am valuable in the sight of my Creator as well as in the sight of my earthly father.  The circular band signifies that Christ's love has no end.  This beautiful ring that my Dad picked out reminds me that both he and the Lord view me as far more beautiful than this ring.  This ring is only a symbol.  I seriously love this ring.

 In a world where sex is the norm, this ring reminds me that I've promised myself to someone... somewhere... sometime... in the future, which is currently a cause for pause. When I made this promise at 15, I thought I would be engaged by now.  I thought that this ring would be replaced by some other ring that the love of my life had placed on that finger. I mean, I am a Senior in College - a college where they preached that 62% of us would find our spouses here, only to have that percentage fall since then.

So here I am. 21 years old and pure as the driven snow, well, sort of. I laugh at the memories of my high school boyfriend telling me he couldn't kiss me because Jesus had to be "in our kisses" - whatever that means. Then when he tried to kiss me, I realized he was only doing it to make me happy - sweet, but not ideal - I think I'll pass.

My co-workers talk pityingly about how naive I am, and I try to pretend like that doesn't annoy the heck out of me. Let's just say, I'm feeling a little angsty.  I've been taught my whole life that sex is this beautiful thing that should be shared between husband and wife, and it wasn't until college that I heard it could be fun, relaxing - it even helps you sleep? (weird.)

Up until now, I've been terrified.  Let's be real.  Getting naked in front of somebody... just doesn't sound super great.  Just like every other girl on the planet, I'm interested in the intimacy and the pleasure that supposedly comes with it.  Nobody has ever taught me what to do with that though.  We don't talk about it in church, because we're just supposed to "say no."

Newsflash: You can't tell a young adult to "just say no."  It doesn't work that way anymore. I'm getting to the point where I can think for myself and make my own decisions, so there's got to be a better reason than "just say no.  trust me honey."

I'm about to enter into the "real world" - another phrase that annoys me (stay tuned for that blog post) - and in that "real world" is sex. So how do I deal with my growing comfort with my sexuality and discomfort with my virginity?

Right now, in my safe little bubble at college, it is enough to say that I know that the Lord has a better plan for my life and I trust him enough to not do anything stupid. What I want to know is this: Why do we shame people in the church for having sex out side of marriage when there is supposed to be repentance and grace offered at the feet of Jesus?  Why do we put virgins on a pedestal expecting them to "just say no" and then flip a switch as soon as they get married?

Let me give you another dose of honesty:  There isn't a switch.  I'm not going to be able to go from not doing anything to giving everything on my wedding day.  I don't plan on this, but it seems like this is the expectation sometimes.  I need a little room to breathe with my hypothetical boyfriend/fiance/husband please! Oh! And what if I mess up?  Am I suddenly ruined for all eternity?  Is the sky going to fall?  Am I going to be struck with lightning?

I know I'm sounding a little dramatic.  I'm simply asking for some conversation.  Come on Church.  Help-a-sista out.

Shouldn't we give our daughters purity rings as a reminder that their bodies are temples and deserved to be treated as such?  If that's the case, along with teaching them that they should wait to have sex until they get married, they should also be taught that this is not because they should be ashamed of their bodies or their sexuality.  In fact, waiting is a way of honoring both of those things.

So I wear this ring.  Some days, my purity ring feels heavy on my finger. Some days, I simply love that it sparkles in the sunlight.  Here's the thing though: I don't feel as if I've been taught how to deal with sexuality.  I know for a fact that my parents did not give it to me to suppress my sexuality until I get married.  However, this ring does not make me better than anyone else.  And sometimes it makes me a little conflicted.

Just as some encouragement to all of you like me: My conflict, my struggle, does not make me better or worse as a Christian.  It doesn't mean that I'm giving into my lust.  It means that like every single  person, human, I struggle with my sexuality.  It's not my identity; my sexual actions do not define who I am; oh, and not every sexual action is "sexual." (Last time I checked, flirting does not imply that sex is ultimately desired... That's like a whole different story... Maybe for some other day.)

We are sexual beings because God created us to be that way.  I think that this means we should celebrate and explore that.  There must be a healthy way to do it, within  the bounds that the Bible seems to sketch out for us. I'm asking for some conversation.  Anyone with me?